That is the fortune cookie I got today... Ironically (and I know everyone always says this) I was planning on starting back to the gym tomorrow - but I guess I need too :)
I have decided that because TBL probably didn't happen, that I will not be eligible next season to compete - I don't need a TV show, I can do whatever I need to on my own... With this I'm going to announce that I am going to try my best to drop the weight once and for all - however I will put a stipulation on you - the reader - I am posting just for me, for me to be able put down in words the feelings and emotions involved in this struggle, therefor if you choose to read about what I'm doing - know that I do not want anyone talking to me directly about it, ever... if I make it and do well, you can't tell me... if I don't make it and fail... again... don't mention it - If I'm eating a candy bar - don't look at me like you are disappointed... If I eat a salad, don't look at me proud... Most people do not understand the struggle of weight gain/loss, and no one can ever say they understand your own personal struggle because every woman is different. So if you choose to read past this point, you have agreed to the terms :)
an introduction to my size
I was always big - but never huge... In college, i found my niche and lost weight and was at my smallest - 184 lbs. I was a size 14 (even one 13) and felt great - but still wasn't happy. My best friend Brandi (who you will hear a lot about) also struggled with her weight - and lost weight with me back then. I credit her for my loss, she needed help - and I gave it to her, so I had to do it to help her lose. We both gained back more weight than we had lost after graduation. She however proved me wrong... she lost it all - and is now at an ideal weight - and with out any help... just on her own. To make it better for her - she had a baby and gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy, but has completely lost all of her baby weight now too! She is my motivation (don't tell her - she'll get a big head) She is stronger than I ever could have been... until now. I've sat back for a few years now thinking - well if I lived closer to Brandi, i could lose the weight... If I had lived closer to her - I fear she never would have been so successful, and I know this is true - she is a stronger person without me near by. Last year, I looked to the staff at JL to "need motivation" and for me to help... that didn't work. I looked to a fellow coworker for that person... it didn't happen. Its time for it to be just me. Javier hasn't ever known me thin... by time I met him I had gained all the weight I lost in college back. I was much thinner than I am now when we met, but never thin. He's never known me as the obsessed gym rat that I once was. He's never known me to order a salad - and love it! I am a goal oriented person, and with all the tasks I've taken on this year, I need to stay on task and organized... So here are my goals for the start of this year.
I will: go to the gym 5 mornings a week, I will stay on a cardio machine for an hour a day, I will eat 4-5 meals a day, I will drink 4 cups of water before each meal. I want to lose 30 pounds before the new year -- which gives me a little less than 2lbs a week (they say that is the healthiest way) I will start a weekly post with loss to date... 0 today!
I don't want to go nuts, and lose BL numbers, I just want to be healthy. I want to run with my basketball team come November - without needing oxygen.
I took a 4 hour nap today (from 5-9) and it is now 11 and i need to be up in 5 hours, so I should go to bed... I am going to post as often as I feel, with my struggles and my joys - remember the agreement, so any post that's title is in "quotations" is off discussion limits :) To sleep - then to start!
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