"augh"

well, tonight we had our family night - and I worked out pretty hard this morning (well, i did an hour of cardio - not as hard as I could, but more than I've done in a while) and ate carrots and fruit in the morning - feeling good, I went ahead and ate the baked potato for lunch... too bad the burger and desserts were for dinner! I didn't use any will power - I am a little dissappointed in myself... but not enough to get automatically discouraged... I am going to meet my date in the morning :) (his name is GOLDS)





For another topic... the picnic was fun.. I wish Javier could have made it, too bad I beat him home from work. My mom has taken on something that I don't so much agree with, but I would have done the same thing (don't want to really get into it - you know revealing all of the problems in one's family doesn't always look good) but I will say that my cousin's son Chris - my little man - is almost 9. Most of my newer friends don't know about him, but he was my world while my grandparents were still alive... the day Grandma died was the last day I saw Chris. Its horrible because it feels like I lost my 2 favorite people in that one day. His mom doesn't like me much, and hated the fact that her son liked me more than her - but she didn't do her job well... anyway... My aunt (Chris's Grandma) is now back at my mom's house, so I really hope that I will get to see my little man soon. Mom said she talked to him yesterday and the first thing he said was where's Tiffany... when she told me that - and as I'm typing now - my heart ripped out of my chest. I have let him down - I could have tried harder to stay in touch with him, I could have pushed and had him move here with Javier and I so he could have the life he deserves.. I should have done more... Is it too late? should I try now - or would it be brutal to him to move him from everything he knows and is comfortable with? My aunt is back at my mom's because of drug use (which we know she used to get from her daughter - his mom) So much for not sharing too much, but I don't know if my cousin is still using... She swore she was clean when grandpa and grandma died, she had a clean healthy baby about a year ago I think...is she doing a good job with my little guy? is it my place to decide if she is doing a good enough job or isn't it? This feeling of uncertainty is always tough on me, but this is a million times worse because I really feel like I could have done more... my heart hasn't hurt this much in a long time... its been a year and a half - but it feels like a life time since I"ve seen him, since I got a great big hug -- a bear hug... I need to play with jojo, I need to get this out of my head so I can stay focused on what I need to do... I will find him - I will see if his life is acceptable... this is one aspect of my life that I would appreciate comments and advice... those who know Chris - and my relationship with him - what should I do? those who don't - what should I do... i need help... Javier and I talked, and he supports any decision I make, but doesn't want me to cry any more - lol - till the morning