tick, tick, tick...

It seems that nearly everyone I know is pregnant or recent mommies. And if they are not pregnant, they are trying... each day as I get closer to these people, and as I see pictures, read blogs, hear stories my biological clock ticks faster and faster... I have been hitting the snooze button for about 2 years now knowing that I don't want to have kids while we're not married and that I have a lot going on right now and its easier to not have kids for this grad/undergrad part of our lives. Then I get a bit sad, I would love to have cool baby stories or pregnancy stories, I see how much I love my dog - yes I know I just compared my future children to JoJo, but she does cool things and i feel this amazing love for her, that I can't wait to know that feeling for a baby. I have a good friend who is pregnant right now - and I am so jealous of all of the neat things she gets to do... It seemed perfect around me that everyone is just everyone (including my own)'s lives are perfect...then I heard that someone I know (I am not close, I would not consider it a personal friend - but enough to care) lost their baby today. She was about 5 months along and found out the heart stopped beating today - by her self... she then had to deliver the still born baby... I can't even imagine their pain. My friend, who is also about 5 months along, today was devastated., we were trying to think of what we could do, and ironically enough we both said send a casserole :) but then on a serious note, we talked about possibly babysitting their daughter for an evening or two to give them alone time, or then possibly taking them out to an adult night of fun... but nothing we could think made us think that in any way it would help them through this... Then I looked at the calendar.. October 3rd... Elisa's birthday... She'd be 23 today.. My 23rd birthday was the first time I ever told Javier I loved him, it really was the day, well the day after, that I realized my life was moving to the right place, and with the right person.. She never got that, She never got 21, she never got 22, she doesn't have 23. I feel that the more often I think of Elisa, the more I want a family of my own... I want a daughter to carry on her name, for her mom to be able to see and love... for me to feel as if I have done something for Elisa... I think this is an odd blog, but Javier left today for San Antonio - he'll be gone for until Wednesday, its Elisa's birthday, The baby loss... I'm being a girl.. i know :-D