5 years...

Today, September 24, marks 5 years since Elisa has passed away.

This day is one I will never forget. It is funny that today at work we talked about Rachel's Challenge and how that young girl affected many lives in a positive way, and how she prevented several people from attempting suicide. This time of year I am always somber in deep thoughts of Elisa and Buck. I am certain that if Buck had met and got to know Elisa, she would be here still.

I can't believe it has been 5 years since they both died. That was the worst year ever... Joanie in March, Scrappy (yeah I know its a dog, but I had him for 14 years - my first dog ever!) died in June, A friend's mom lost the cancer battle in July, Buck died in August, and Elisa died in September (7 days after Buck's would have been 21st birthday and 9 days before her 20th birthday) Though that year was barley bearable, I made it through. Closer to some, it pulled me further from other friends.

I wish I would have gotten up this morning and ran, I wish I would have had a great eating day, I wish I would have done more with the life I've been granted to show that her death wasn't forgotten. Elisa motivated me to always push forward hard toward the next small achievable gaol. She taught me that I could run any distance if I truly wanted and thought I could. She taught me that no matter how tired I am, how much I want to quit, I should push on and then help everyone around me.

Yesterday at school we talked about Rachel's Challenge... Rachel died 5 years before Elisa did, and I'm fairly positive Elisa never heard of her, but their impact on people's lives is identical. So I am starting my very own Elisa Challenge. I WILL push someone every day to be more. I will think every day of how I can better my own life - and do it.

A friend of mine lost a very close cousin - a father to be - this week... I want to hug her, i want to tell her it'll be ok, I want to weep for a family I don't even know. For a mother who is now alone, for a baby who will never meet its father... It makes me think of Elisa and how much of her life she did not get to live.

Rachel's father wrote a poem about the space between the dates. (by the way if a country singer could get a hold of that poem and turn it into a song it would totally rock) but it made me question everything i have done with my space between the dates... is it enough, if I died tomorrow would it be enough?

Elisa and I talked one day about "how we would die" it was a complete joke of a conversation led by me saying it would be the day I hit my first homerun and that as I crossed home plate I'd have a heart attack and that would be it - I'd die completely happy then. She followed by saying she was going to be running - so she would be completely happy... for those who don't know, she was hit by a truck on a misty day while on a 30 minute run.

I know this is probably one of the most random post, and makes little to know sense, but either does the way I feel today. I'm happy for my memories... I'm sad for the feelings I remember this day and tomorrow... I'm perplexed by the thought of who'd she be today... I'm disappointed that I told her parents I would take care of her at TLU and I didn't... I'm so bitterly angry at the man who hit her and drove off, and claimed he thought she was a dog... I'm confused as to how bad Buck felt that she needed to take her life... I'm questioning why I didn't feel it was ok to reach out to her - just because I didn't want to look like I was trying to help... I fear that my students, my family, my friends, my future kids might one day have to go through any of the feelings that 2004 brought me and pray that they dont

Im off to bed, very thankful for each breath I get to take.